I want to partake in the rhythm today as the rain pours
down. It has been a long time since I wrote, and it was probably a long time
coming. I’m blessed to have a door with a porch screen that allows me to smell
the rain from a quaint quiet apartment, while the red brick walls outside and
the trees with wet green leaves egg me on to write and pour my heart out. I
miss my dad. That’s all that this post is about…
I avoid thinking about it, but my dad will always be missing
from my life in some way, and as I go on living, this realization becomes
stronger and stronger instead of fading away. His smile becomes more and more
like the part of a picture, never to be seen in person again. On the one hand,
I am so proud of his love for me, love that has never let me down, and never
will. I think of him probably every day, and I hope that he looks down at me,
and knows who I am finally. I hope he is proud of the woman he has helped me
become and continues to give me courage to be.
Of course he would also see my mistakes and wish I had not
made them, but I hope he realizes that the courage his love and wisdom gave me
are some of my most important tools in learning and growing from mistakes and
living life. My dad was a fighter, he was a cutie, he was honest, and he loved
me so much. He believed in being unconditionally good to people, and he mostly
tried to be as well. He used to make people laugh, he was the life of most
parties in a super witty way. What’s amazing though is that my dad always saw
me, and always knew me. He knew my strengths and my weaknesses. He was wise. He
never ever had to tell me how much he loved me and how he believed in me, it
always oozed out of him. Even today, I know he knows, I know he loves me, and
is doing his best to take care of me. He’s a fighter, and I know he’s fighting
for me.
I imagine him using all his wisdom and entrepreneurial
skills up wherever he is to make way for me, make paths for me. I imagine him
using his best judgment for me, for my heart and for my soul. I imagine him
worried about me, but smiling like crazy each time I take care of myself. He
used to cut fruit into little pieces and bring them to me while I studied, and
now he managed to get me addicted to eating two fruits a day because of my
health obsession.
He thought I was so fun and funny – could never resist my
daughterly tricks and charms to make him laugh even if I could be annoying. I
do hope my dad still has my back, because honestly, I can’t imagine him having
it any other way. Each time I think of my dad, only two things overwhelmingly
represent him- a deep heart and a loving smile.
