I meditated on my heart today. Each time I meditate, I
always see lots of sparkled current-like light that swiftly spirals into place – often moving and
never quite calms down. It was interesting to me. I wondered if other people
also see the same thing when they meditate.
In particular, I saw my heart today. I tried to imagine this
heart smaller, like it is supposed to be, but the flow of my meditation could
not (or did not want to) visualize my heart in this manner. I saw the shape of
the heart as we know it, the size of my palm. I saw this heart quickly be
covered in gold – of a liquid form. So quick, in fact, that I have no idea what
it was that the gold actually covered.
And it didn’t seem to matter. My heart was liquid gold in motion, so regal, so
beautiful, made me smile.
I was supposed to imagine a front door of this heart. The
door I saw was a double door – also golden, with a bronze gold metal ring/knob
on each door. When I was to notice the state of my heart, I opened this door.
It immediately flung wide open. As the meditation guide’s voice told me to open
the heart as much as I was comfortable with opening, I could not even have
imagined that there was an option to open it just a slight. I tried to close
the doors, and open only slightly, so that I could play with the doors to my
heart.
As I did this, I saw myself say, nah, that’s not my style. I
like how it feels with the heart doors flung open, and the blue sky with the
white clouds gradually spiraling their way inward.
At this point, I heard the meditation guide tell me to
notice the back door of my heart, at the back of my body. This door
instinctively was black! The same double doors as the front door, with the same
ring/knobs. But, oh how I did not like the color black on such a beautiful
golden heart!
I tried to visualize this door into a brown – which I
thought was a happy negotiated spot, considering brown is dark enough, but does
not look as much of a hideous misfit. Nevertheless, I could not keep the doors
as I wanted to make them, and so I chose to except that they were black.
It was also not easy for me to visualize these doors opening
, they seemed like they were always shut, not ever known to exit. The idea of a
backdoor to the heart was definitely one I had not ever thought of.
As I tried to open the backdoor, and let the world flow in
and out, from the front and out the back, configuring such a process with
child-like amazement and curiosity, I felt my body rock back and forth a bit. I
felt like the body really was just a convenient structure placed so that I
could know where I ended and where the world began. I also realized that I did
not have to be so separate. I could dance with this beautiful flow. I realized
that there has been joy in the moments when I have done this without realizing
it in a metaphor such as this one.
Now I was given the choice to keep the doors how I wanted
them. I was again excited that there was such a possibility, such flexibility
in how much I wanted open which door. Ironically, however, even as I tried to
leave the doors slightly open to let this inflow and outflow continue, my
instinct thought it was clearly absurd to walk around with the front doors
flung wide open. And leaving them slightly open just did not seem bold enough
to me. So, the decision was pretty obvious – and I cannot imagine my doors of
my heart ever having known otherwise. It was as though the gardener of this
garden was being asked to play around with this age old routine.
Therein lay my learning of the day. I did not know that
visualization would have so much power. I always knew I was a vivid dreamer,
but today I saw where my consciousness stood. I saw my state. Usually, I
express my emotion in words, and thought that that was the only way I could.
You should have seen the amazed look hidden in my closed eyes – the amazement
of being able to clearly see this aspect of my being. Seeing it helped me own and
accept it.
Today I saw another pair of doors, which I hope will relieve
some pressure off of the front doors. I guess I had begun to take for granted the
comfort that EXIT doors provide, so comfortable, in fact, that I forgot they
exist and their use.
