Krishna,
Sometimes I don’t know if you are really there, or are just
an extension of the pretend games I used to play earlier as a child. I know
that as a child I made an alternate world, which helped me have friends when
there were none, which helped me go on enjoying my childhood. I used to love
you when I was a little kid. You were my favorite god. If you exist, you
already know this, but from what I understand, even you enjoy hearing your
praise and being liked.
Even if you are just a figment of my imagination, you are
such a fun one! Whenever I am talking to you in my heart, I smile. In the
darkest and lowest of moments, you are that (perhaps imaginary) friend, who
always always has a great sense of humor. So, if it is not you, is it my own
humor? When I think it is you, I even bring out the best qualities of myself in
my imagination. I think about what you would want – what would Krishna do, what
would Jesus do – and this very question helps me to explore what I would want
God to do. This is how I get in touch with the innermost God in me, and maybe
that IS you.
So, on days when I think you are not there, I feel alone and
heavy. I feel as though I have had it all wrong the whole time. I feel like a
fool – like I am still that child playing on swings, imagining a world, and
talking to myself. And I want to break it all – I want to step out of it, and
become a skeptic. Even in all my skepticism about you throughout the years, I
never left you, and you never left me. Even if I did not call you by your name,
you knew I believed in you. Do you like being called by your name? People seem
to fight over it, so I refrained from finding out your name. I think of your
nature. I am willing to argue and debate at length about what God’s attributes
are supposed to be like – but how much do you care about your name? Sometimes
in relationships, we forget to ask each other these seemingly unimportant
questions, and so I ask you.
Unfortunately, the more I tap into you, the more addicting
you become, and our relationship becomes deeper. When the world says this and
that, I try to remember the things you and I have agreed on – without being too
affected by others. Yet, it is so difficult to be in your nonverbal
relationship – you know I am terrible at those. I like explicitness – so I am
being explicit with you. I agree you have shown some extremely explicit signs
lately to make us stronger. I appreciate those. I am appreciating you explicitly,
because this is how I want you to treat me as well. I am not scared of you. I love
you, and I want to be honest with you. If I was scared, I would disguise and
lie. With love, I have courage. With you, I have courage.
I do feel discouraged in the face of a world that does not
believe in the nature of God in the way I believe. What if I am listening
incorrectly? What if I am wrong? We all have these questions. I am not good at
praying. Help me pray, help me listen, help me know you. Is knowing you
important? Or is making money, getting married, and living a smart life more
important? Knowing you is knowing me – that is what I want to do – that is what
I love doing. I love you, I love me, and I am really growing to love us. Is that
okay? Can I love who I think you are and can I love who I am even if the world
does not really approve of my ways?
Be explicit, don’t insult my intelligence. You know that I can
always argue the logical case in which you do not matter or exist at all. You are
kind of a jerk for allowing that – you made logic so logical, and then did not
allow us to prove you through it – who does that!!! I do appreciate the sense
of humor.
Much love,
Kritee
P.S. Thanks for sharing your birthday with mine
this year. Daadi would sing the song, aana sundar shyaam humaare kirtan mein –
thanks for coming to my party =D and thanks for inviting me to yours!
