Yours truly; cute little extension of the sun's rays

It’s raining blog posts. Halleluyah.

Missing my dad. Hoping he’s out there, proud of me, proud of this fabulous extension of a soul he left behind.

He had me travel the world like he wanted to. He left me a little more giving. He left me more loving, more good, more trusting, more laid back, and with a larger sense of humor; with more dignity and with more truth. With the kind of courage that only the kindest truest love can bring about.

I hope to continue on where you might have given up or left off – hoping to carry forward your legacy while adding my masala to it as I know you’d want me to. I love you, Papa, thank you for having loved me so.

Being Present in a Zombie-like World

I had walked into a friend’s apartment once to find on the coffee table a book that somehow seemed related to zombie behavior in a metaphorical sense. From a quick scan of the book and by the friend’s recommendation, I vaguely remember that this book was about leading and surviving in a world of zombies. I didn’t want to delve too much in the book at the time because the book had this tone of trying to “win” while the world was being a zombie. The idea of taking advantage of the world with this zombie problem did not appeal to me much, but I recognized and understood on some small inexpressible level the diagnosis of a human crisis that the book was pointing to.

I just spent an hour trying to find out what this book was, and am not sure still what book it was – and perhaps it was “the Zombie Survival Guide” by Max Brooks (I remember it being a similar cover), but don’t quote me on it because I am not sure, and I have not read this book.

Why this has been on my mind recently is because I am really trying to “be present” or “live in the moment”. It is so scary to recognize how difficult this is. Moreover, I don’t know if I am still fully present even when I try to be or think that I am. I guess I am more present than I would be if I were not trying to be present at all. Yet, I am pretty sure I am far from being fully present. Well, this is something I hope to work on during this upcoming year – my resolution for the year 2015 – to get better at the art of being present, as present as possible.

What scares me is when I remind myself to become alert and become present, I am so aware of the fact that I wasn’t really present for the last half hour or so. Where was I? I am also forced to recognize that I might have missed a lot of my life in this way by not being present. Of course, I cannot recover those moments, but I can start to be present today. I found it so difficult to do, in fact, that I wondered if others had already mastered this technique, and I had just been lost in my thoughts all these years. I spoke to my best friend, and shared my deep concern regarding my inability to stay truly present. She told me that she too finds it pretty hard, and that perhaps many people go through this and do not recognize that they may not be present in the moment. Are we all really sleeping, unaware, and zombie-like?

I had picked up this theme long ago from Adam Sandler’s movie, Click, which is still listed as one of my favorite movies on facebook. I’ve been thinking about this movie a lot recently because I have this clear moment of snapping back into reality, checking around me and realizing oh wow, I need to catch up because I was gone for a bit. That I fast-forwarded some part of my life, and that I don’t know what happened in this potentially beautiful world around me.

The spiritual talks I have been listening to speak about this as well – not paying attention, not being alert to the world, and being so involved in one’s own psyche that I am not aware of the Universe unfolding around me.

I had gone to see Scarlet Johansson’s movie Lucy solely because the idea of someone being able to use more of their brain than we typically do resonated well with me. This ability of being more aware is what I wanted to learn more about. So, of course, without heeding reviews or advice, I went to watch this movie, and was thoroughly disappointed and walked out in the middle – because I could not get the sort of insight from this movie that I was hoping for.

I have recently run into people who I think are being even less present than me. I was thankful for the ability to recognize and know this. But I realized, we all slip, and it happens at different times and because of different triggers for each individual. I guess the key here is not to drown in your thoughts and your emotions, which are generally stemming from things in the past and from concerns about the future. The idea, I am guessing, is to take and appreciate this moment exactly for what it is and even for what it is not. It’s funny to notice though how my mind is conditioned to cover up reality and to cover up the current moment with so many other thoughts and so many other opinions and perspectives. To choose dry and crisp reality seems so difficult – and then even in moments when you know you are experiencing truly this present moment – what do you do with it? Just be with it (even if it feels empty or boring), is what I think I am supposed to do. And that precisely is what I am hoping to be able to do well in the next couple years to come.

Two quotes resonated well with me recently, and I am not sure I will be able to phrase it exactly so, but something along the lines of: when you go against reality, you lose. – Mickey, Temple of Universe

And the other approximately said: One of the more difficult things in life is not to learn, but to “unlearn” – (will have to find the author and cite later). I am trying to unlearn and uncondition my mind from covering up reality as it so naturally does. It is painful, not sure why yet, to stay so present, but I commit to trying.

I used to make this joke before when I would take my glasses off – that sometimes I do not want to see all of the world – essentially implying that taking my glasses off is a way to dull my senses, and that I can use that break sometimes. I guess I am going to try to optimize and maximize my ability to stay in my senses and in reality as much as possible, without letting go of dreams and aspirations (recognizing them for what they mean to me in the present rather than letting them crowd out the present).

What’s really amazing and what I’m so excited about is my intuition that staying present in one moment of time infinitely expands time (or at least the perception or the use of it) – such a seemingly crucial constraint on life, especially from the eyes of an economist.

I am not here to win while the world is becoming a zombie; I want us all to partake in this awakening, and walk with each other through that discomfort of being present.

~All I want for Christmas is you [ and me ;-) ]

Coffee Shop Men

My facebook feed today inspired me to support my single ladies as they navigate the world of dating with courage. I saw some of them finding hope in articles that claimed research favors men choosing partners that are equally as successful in their career as the men themselves. I saw some Indian girls writing daringly about their dating and breakup experience, with many Indian girls coming out to support and showing understanding. They wrote about how they were played and how hurt they were, but how they recovered themselves and felt this amazing space of comfort in their body once it was over.

I have also recently seen some close friends struggle through breakups or close to break-up crises. Many of them are stepping towards courage to ask for the unthinkable and to label themselves as divorced, separated, or cheated on.

So, I am also adding my two cents to this discussion of finding love. I read an article yesterday because I felt like I was attracting the wrong men – and have been feeling this for a couple years now – that all of a sudden I have been getting an asshole share of men and the committed intelligent caring men are disappearing from my life. I was asked recently if I have been played before – and despite all my intelligence and pride in how I carry myself, I cannot deny that I have indeed been played before. The article I read really resonated well with me – it said I am not attracting players, I’m merely accepting their behavior, so I should stop it.

This article helped me be proud of all those times I did stop a potential relationship because I felt I was not being treated well. Raising my voice creates demand – as we share this journey with each other; we strengthen this demand for higher quality real men – so the assholes and players can take back seats and learn from the genuine caring men. I also don’t want to encourage men that point to cheating men or players and say that you can either have this lazy boring guy or that guy over there that’ll break your heart. Women deserve to have a choice in between these two extremes – this can only happen if they stop settling for extremes and demand that people fill out the middle of this spectrum. I can foresee it happening, and I am so proud of this new era of ladies and the new sharing/friendships we are creating.

Coffee shop men? Well, I am the type of girl that loves working at coffee shops for the company yet inspiration and solitude these places provide for me to thrive. Almost any time that I have met a guy at the coffee shop though, he turns out to be mostly talk, less substance. I used to find the idea of finding the man of my dreams over some chit-chat on a random day at the coffee shop, but these men seem to be here exactly to pick up girls that think that. The serious guys that are smart seem to be seriously studying at home or in their labs – not necessarily coming out here to look as if they study a lot. They would probably be happy to step out for coffee with a girl they like – I’m leaning towards meeting a guy like that these days. I just find it ironic to think where I started and what I am finding. Where clubs seemed to have been a bad place to meet guys, I’m not sure coffee shops are all that better. So, over time, the muscular good looking men that happen to place themselves right by me at a coffee shop no longer distract me because I learned a bit or two in this world and can know it to be locked in as truth because it is from my experience.

Generally, I keep my posts more positive than a “beware” post that is full of fear – so here is my positive take on it: don’t be scared of the hot guy at the coffee shop but just be aware this may only be an act. Stay curious, get to know him. Enjoy the time that he tries to flirt with you, but know what your bottom lines are so you know when to walk out from that conversation and what you are taking forward from this conversation. I would have had trouble understanding why these men are spending their time not studying/working and are trying to build lying skills to play women – this cannot possibly make any human being happy? Then again, I also know women who are trying to keep multiple men options open for themselves, without following their heart and going for the kill on the one guy they do like. And all I have to say to all of this is let’s get some dignity and let’s get productive with our lives – the journey is way more exciting than working on developing skills that only encourage your insecurities rather than help you overcome them.

Much love and peace to you all <3 o:p="">

Lost and Found

As I look out towards the water with the breeze in my backyard rustling the palm trees, in the comfort of my lost and found cotton jumper, I am truly enjoying the blessings of being home. I lost my iphone yesterday I am pretty sure. I have no event to explain this loss, and all logical routes of finding this lost phone seem to have been exhausted. Yet, I have some faith it’ll turn back up when it wants to – and that the Universe has chosen to help me lose my phone so that I can grow personally during this phone-less solitude period.

I recently found this cutesy floral jumper I had searched for from time to time and wondered about in the past year. All logical routes told me that this jumper was at home – but I had no way of knowing if we would ever reunite. And reunite we did – the contentment of finding this lost piece of clothing was so deeply touching for me, especially because I recently also found a diamond ring I had no hope of ever seeing again. This was a ring given to me by my mother on my 22^nd birthday, and despite my sadness and disappointment in having lost it ; I grieved, shared the memory with friends, and just moved along, accepting that loss.

So, imagine the gratitude and pleasure I feel as I see my hands typing with this beautiful piece of love and ring that my mom gave me back on my older yet familiar hands.

These recent losses and new findings got me thinking about things lost and found. I was once so deeply longing the return of my lost yellow ipod with a special engraving on the back (referred to in an older blog post) that I had thought of starting a business that collects the communities lost and found items and returns to people what they have lost. I ended up not taking the business idea any further because for one, I thought it cost-wise inefficient, and secondly, I felt there was a lesson about letting go that this business would not support. I realized that the demand and supply of such a business, while noble in its recognition, of sentimental (and monetary) attachment towards things lost, catered more to people’s need of recovering something lost. Somehow, a culture that craved for and ran after and relied on things being found and recovered easily did not gel with me too much.

We lost something. What’s the lesson? Why did I lose it? Was I not careful with it? Do I even care to have it back? How much am I willing to look for it? When will I know if it is okay to stop searching for it? How long will I brood and grieve for it? How will I move on from it? Will I still have hope? What will happen if I do run into it again? Will I like it the same if it ever came back – or will I have outgrown the jumper? Would I replace it? How would I feel if it turned up after I have already replaced it?

Among all of these interesting questions and possibilities of how things could turn out in the twists and turns of life, I found most deep solace in the fact that I remembered the loss of my ring, the jumper – I remembered that I missed them  because I really could never replace them. I also remembered deeply wishing to get them back yet being thankful to have had them in the first place. I smile now at how I did put my best efforts in finding/recovering it. I smile at my fluctuating yet still epsilon amount of dormant remaining hope that these things could turn back up again, with the faith that if they didn’t, my life would remain just as beautiful because they had been in it.

P.S. I found my iphone in less than a week, and am currently using it (01/17/2015); someone turned it into the AT&T store - the same store where I had once lost a previous iphone in love. I wanted to post a picture of the note in the laundry room of my complex that I saw a whole two weeks after I had lost and found the phone, which described my phone and was asking for the owner of the phone to come forth and claim it. I saw this note a couple times but did not my phone on me with which to take a picture. The note was no longer there by the time I brought in my phone to take a picture to accompany this post. Hashtag: timing. 

I am pretty sure I friend-zone myself

We’ve all heard of boys being friend zoned. But have you ever heard of a girl friend zoning herself? Well, I haven’t, but I think I totally friend zone myself. I partly blame Bollywood for it. But I mostly thank Bollywood for it.

I have often heard from men that I did not give them the right signals at the very beginning, making them think I would not be interested in them or wanted to be just friends. On top of that, I try to be as good a friend as I possibly can be. I think those are the grounds on which I get myself friend zoned and lose in this apparent underlying "find your mate" game. Plus, maybe I am in between being hot attractive and ugly, so my middle ground looks combined with my highly friendly behavior keep me in this zone. Sometimes, I have chosen to hang out more ugly/casual to keep myself grounded in friend zone.

I wondered to myself – have I chosen this zone for myself? To some extent, yes! I thrive in this field – I think friendship is as pure a relationship as there can be and I try to always stay as purely friend as possible. When friendship seems to be going any other way, I act only and purely as a friend. This gives the signal that I may not ever want more. Instead, the truth is that this is all I know in the truest form. Our society, Bollywood, my experiences have thoroughly trained me for the rules of friendship super well, but not for the dating stuff. Even in times I am not being someone’s best friend, I know HOW to try --so I have been sticking to my guns on what I do know!

What’s funny though is that potentially, this keeps me from exploring more than friendship and dating/romantic connections more. Why am I writing this post? I think it is funny that I get friend zoned – it’s ironic to me because it is a term usually used for men. I also think that many people in my social real life do not know that I am consciously doing my best to be an amazing friend – and in becoming that way, perhaps I am missing out on I myself friend-zone myself rather than friend-zoning the guy. 

I thought that the guy I would want would just see this and get this – but it’s not all that simple. Which is what makes things ironic and makes life fun and worth living. I now get to explore the ups and downs of this friendliness – yes, I can flirt with more people, and I get to be super sweetheart as I respect a person for who they are and get to know them truly. But will I find the sweetheart I believe I deserve? We’ll wait and find out! 

In the meantime, I am super thankful for this ability to serve friendships, to know their value in my life, and know that I have deeply and honestly followed each friendship to the best of my being. Thank you, my friends, for making this zone also my comfort oh so comfortable zone. However, as is the drawback with any comfortable zone, sometimes discomfort becomes crucial for growth. I write this with utmost love towards my friends, towards my younger self who chose this principle as a sacred one to follow, and with the understanding that I may need to try and learn not to further friend zone myself for fear of discomfort. Because then this zone is misusing the sacred name of friendship as a psychological disguise of my fears of journeying further in life.

The guys that get “friend-zoned” often also say that “nice guys end up last.” I do think that trying to be a friend, rather than a girlfriend can make you a nicer human being. And I don’t mind being last (I got lots of things to learn in the meantime!!), as long as patience rewards nice girls with nice patient loving men.