I packed myself some Bollywood for life

There is too much criticism of Bollywood. My friends, my cousins, many people have commented on Bollywood as something so dreamy and unrealistic. I have often been upset at the thought of how Bollywood could have potentially ruined me forever. However, today, I want to take a moment, and seriously say, fuck all of that, I love Bollywood!! 

I have often seen Indian women, myself included, who are truly dreamy and grew up on Bollywood, and believe in Bollywood feel-good romance, but feel disappointed when that is something that they don’t encounter in life. While reality is something we must come to terms with no matter how dreamy we are, I believe that the Bollywood in a desi girl is beautiful. Girls, wouldn’t you love it if there was a guy from Bollywood movies, that really was just like those movies? For that matter, wouldn’t you love it if a guy that you met reminded you of a Hollywood movie even? I know, I would. 

The world has tried to shame me for being a dreamer, but has also blessed me with beautiful people that silently creep up in my life, and inspire that Bollywood keeda in me again. It doesn’t go away! I am just going to come out, and admit it. I am infected, and I don’t see a cure. Moreover, I think I don’t care too much for a cure. I love hard. I love Bollywood style. I am mushy-gushy. I want to believe that there is the guy out there for me. 

Because I truly believe that kal ho na ho, I’m okay with staying a dreamer. I have one life. I don’t want to miss out on the “reality” of it. So, I do realize I need to not paint everything with such dreamy-ness, and see it for the muck the world can be at times, but there is nothing like a window frame made of humor and art to look at humanity with. This perspective helps me live my best.

I often look at my most difficult situations in life – and there are usually three types of reactions – one is laughing at the irony of the situation , the other is deep hurt, pain, or suffering, and the last is usually an song playing automatically in my mind.

My brother texted me, called me “Ms. Filmy”, people that wanted to harm me spoke of me as the dreamy girl who believes in Bollywood too much, my Bhabhi whatsapped me to let me know she was missing my bollywoodness, a friend told me that he knows how I would think because he has seen Karan Johar movies. I have a song for every moment, for you, for me, for the guy on the street. From bollywood, from Hollywood.  

Someone told me I am like Kareena from the jab we met song – how did they know I related so much to her in that song?? I took that as a compliment, just like so many others. I love feeling like I am living my Bollywood life in my own way each time I cross the plaza of Americas and I let the breeze caress my long Bollywood hair. The friends around me have grown to love Bollywood songs, so much so that sometimes I forget I have lived in the United States for most of my real life. I moved from India, and for better or for worse, never got to live there enough to view it from a cynical inside routine citizen view. This is my story. I got to live in India at a time when I could do nothing but dream about a life of love and beauty. Then my parents brought me here, and gave me that to the best of their ability. What else could I possibly ask for? I have no reason to believe dreams don’t come true! I go around driving my car, with the windows down, playing bollywood songs, with the secret mission to infuse Bollywood-ness back into people’s hearts, even if it is in an obscure town in Florida, where no one quite gets what it is I might be trying to do. 

Yes, I have been heartbroken, tragedy-stricken, and penniless (okay, well maybe not penniless), and I still believe my life is the fucking tops, because it isn’t over yet!! My journey goes on, and as long as I am hopeful, I see my story as a Bollywood movie playing out. 

I still connect deeply to Rani Mukherji from Mujhse Dosti Karoge, I cry like crazy in DDLJ, I carry Naina and her lessons from Kal ho na ho in my heart, I think of Karishma cursing out God in Dil toh pagal hai, and each time I bring up any of this in conversation with any desi girl who grew up on those movies, I know her heart also rings similarly. Some of us just don’t believe that any of that is true. Well, what is true, is that we feel it, in our hearts. We know what emotions Bollywood and its music can invoke in us. Our fear is usually that this feeling will get us carried away, so we want to avoid it. Someone close recently reminded me that my actions shouldn’t reflect my fears, but my hopes. And I truly honor Bollywood, and its ability to keep me connected to my dreams, to live a dreamy life, to live the life I’ve always dreamt of. 

I am honored if I remind you of Bollywood, because I love Bollywood, even when I hate it at times. I hope I stay Bollywood for the man of my dreams – yes there I said it, I believe he is out there looking for me. And if this is part of how I represent a piece of the culture I once lived in, and if I can bring a bit of Bollywood into the west by being stupidly idealistic about love, I humbly accept my role. Mostly though, I know no other way of being.

Princes and the Pea

There is nothing like taking a break from regressions to jot down a blog post. I started to think about my favorite fairy tale/story when I was growing up: The Princess and the Pea. As with anything in my life, things somehow stand out, despite me knowing what they mean, why they matter, how I will relate to them in the future. This book, too, has always been something I thought about. As a little kid, I loved the story because how weird and strange it seemed. Growing up, I’d often wonder why I liked this story, what is my favorite part. I’d think of it over and over.

Today, I thought about how depressed the Prince was as the beginning of the story, and how I did not understand that depression then, as a child. And how could I have! Yet, this was a story meant for children, oddly enough. I often thought about how the Prince was kind of superficial because he did not like a certain physical feature of one princess or another physical feature of a different princess – but he went around saying he wanted a “real” princess – what did he even mean by real?!!

Then, I thought that the prince was kinda shallow for wanting someone from the royal bloodline, just for the sake of her being from this royal bloodline, which bothered me about the prince as well, and didn’t mind his depression. Also, I didn’t like that the mother of the prince finally came up with the idea of how of find him her princess, and he could not find the real princess himself.

All that having been said, I find myself finally understanding and perhaps re-interpreting what the search for “real” means. I find myself using that word often in my quest now. Moreover, I also hear it from other people. It seemed weird to me at first because I thought everyone already was real, so why are we looking for real people. I noticed, however, there is a lot of time and energy spent in people trying to be something they are not – and I thought this was over in middle school! However, I think people got used to avoiding being their real selves for so long that it became even more embedded in their being, so much so, that it takes a lot to get to know someone’s real self these days. 

I can’t even say that they are being dishonest to me, in particular. I think they have just been dishonest with themselves now for a long time, and can no longer realize it. This also applies to me, of course. It’s so beautiful to rediscover the real parts of yourself that you had secretly covered up somehow, because you did not think they were acceptable. I’m not sure if the Prince understood this then that it was not someone’s nose or their eyes that he had difficulty, the issues ran deeper than that. 

It’s amazing how those real parts of ourselves are so crucial in making us who we are. Owning and understanding them seems like such a key to unlocking your own potential and your own gifts. As I try to do that more for myself, I noticed how many fucking peas I have places and how many mattresses I have placed to create filters to find my real prince as well. I think I was always the girl that wanted to be found when I was invisible. I wanted to be the diamond, but maintain the rough around myself for filter sake. I kept my ugly photos, I kept my ugly attitudes, ready to throw them forward when it seemed like the guy may leave me some day. I wanted him to move past my worst, and love me anyway. 

The princess is deemed the real princess because she expresses severe discomfort in her night’s rest at a pea that is placed under 20 mattresses! This proves that she is not lying, and knows the real comforts of having been pampered as royalty. 

I only ever wanted to be the Pea full of love that my Prince could not deny the existence of despite all these layers of mattresses that I had cleverly placed on myself so that my Prince would come find me. Though the context of the story is a bit different, I figured my real Prince would have to know life without the Pea, and the undeniable recognition of the effect of this Pea. And hopefully, unlike the neglected pea in the story, he’d come looking for this crazy Pea full of love, and know that it is also the power of this whole untainted Pea that rises through all those mattresses and keeps him awake at night, and hopefully torments him with pure undeniable love.

The trick for the Pea, my mature realization says, is to remain true to its form despite all the mattresses. Or to remove all the mattresses – but where is the romance in that, my love?

I have an eternal flame, a stake, a divine purpose, and a ground to support me.

My best friend had told me to remind myself each day: "Every day, in every way, I get better and better." This beautiful wisdom has served me for the past couple of years, and I've navigated through beautiful and murky, stepping into a new and refreshing self. Another phase comes to an end today, and a new one begins. I feel connected through a golden thread to other pure hearts all around the world, the ones that chose to join into this goldenness and truly believe in letting flow through them. I saw my heart, I saw my soul, I danced, I sang, I asked some critical questions, I let myself cry like a baby, and I let myself step into womanhood and own it without fear and without apologies. I made some commitments to myself and to this world. I feel blessed, I feel grounded, I feel loved, I am safe, protected, guided and thankful, hopeful and curious.

A song I discovered today, and one I want to be able to refer back to, in life:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P9PX31loh_c
I've decided to be happy
I've decided to be glad
I've decided to be grateful
For all I ever had
I've decided to let go
Of all this pain tonight
I've decided to let go
Of all these demons inside

I know...I am blessed
I know...all I ever wanted was this
I know...I don't need more
I've got... what I came for

I've decided to be open
For that little voice inside
Telling me I'm beautiful
It's okay to be alive
I've decided to be kinder
To myself when I am sad
I've decided to be grateful
For all I ever had