There's a particular sentence in my dating profile description that I was pondering the other day, "..I absolutely love to lose at something I am awesome at.." Hmmmm.... I was recently wondering how true it still was about myself - have I really been recognizing defeat and finding thrill in it like I claim is typical of me? And boom. I just realized today that I am a pretty mean person inside, that I also get jealous, I am also acting from places of low self-worth etc, and am not acting with the highest love towards myself and those I claim to love. Like WHOA! That truly shatters so much of my self-concept.
So, do I love losing at something I thought I was awesome at? In truth, yes I still do. The humbling process is so amazing. This is what love and the intention to love does, I think. When I love someone, it inspires me to dig deeper, and SEE myself more. Because I truly want to love and not hinder/hurt the other (perhaps because I also know that I actually am not so loving and kind deep down?), but my own stuff gets in the way. It's amazing how our surface tools are thoroughly trained and programmed to blame others, to trap us in the same thought processes that we now need to break.
I guess I am just getting to know more of me, and see if I can find a way to handle and love these dark and un-pretty sides of myself. I feel expanded for sure - but now it's a matter of seeing whether I can manage all that I have seen. How can I navigate through this overwhelm of stuff I have awakened to? These are usually aspects of others I don't like, but lol, here they are, inside me - harder to see, but waiting to be seen, asking for my attention and knowing. Mirror analogy, yes. Finger pointing analogy, yes.
Honestly, it feels like a tearing apart of my insides - where there is a zipper going down the center of my body that has been brutally taken down. In some sense, I like that I am no different than others -- finally, a platform for more connection! In another sense, I feel like a hypocrite, I feel guilty for acting out of non-knowing this whole time, thinking highly of myself, when I am made of the same stuff.
But this defeat feels good. It has pushed me deeper, expanded my awareness of self and other bubbsies around me, and has challenged my ability to manage and love myself anew. Not the old already uncovered parts, but the newly uncovering ones. Losing isn't easy to grapple with, but it is welcome.
So, do I love losing at something I thought I was awesome at? In truth, yes I still do. The humbling process is so amazing. This is what love and the intention to love does, I think. When I love someone, it inspires me to dig deeper, and SEE myself more. Because I truly want to love and not hinder/hurt the other (perhaps because I also know that I actually am not so loving and kind deep down?), but my own stuff gets in the way. It's amazing how our surface tools are thoroughly trained and programmed to blame others, to trap us in the same thought processes that we now need to break.
I guess I am just getting to know more of me, and see if I can find a way to handle and love these dark and un-pretty sides of myself. I feel expanded for sure - but now it's a matter of seeing whether I can manage all that I have seen. How can I navigate through this overwhelm of stuff I have awakened to? These are usually aspects of others I don't like, but lol, here they are, inside me - harder to see, but waiting to be seen, asking for my attention and knowing. Mirror analogy, yes. Finger pointing analogy, yes.
Honestly, it feels like a tearing apart of my insides - where there is a zipper going down the center of my body that has been brutally taken down. In some sense, I like that I am no different than others -- finally, a platform for more connection! In another sense, I feel like a hypocrite, I feel guilty for acting out of non-knowing this whole time, thinking highly of myself, when I am made of the same stuff.
But this defeat feels good. It has pushed me deeper, expanded my awareness of self and other bubbsies around me, and has challenged my ability to manage and love myself anew. Not the old already uncovered parts, but the newly uncovering ones. Losing isn't easy to grapple with, but it is welcome.
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